Behind Closed Doors
by sedemihcrA
Summary: AxS Sometimes bad things happen for a good reason. Sometimes people change when we think they can't. Sometimes hope is found in the midst of the hopeless.
1. Similarity Hidden Fears

**Neon Genesis Evangelion**

**Behind Closed Doors**

"Please, take this and run far away / Far away from me

I am tainted / The two of us were never meant to be

All these pieces and promises and left-behinds / If only I could see

In my nothing, you were everything / Everything to me"

One – Similarity/Hidden Fears 

_This place, this place I'm stuck in—it's exactly the same as before. I hate it._

For a world after an apocalypse it appeared remarkably peaceful, remarkably alive; but for Shinji the chaos still roared inside him while the outside appeared just as soft and peaceful as ever. As if he had become this place. On the surface it was just another Japanese urban center, clean and well-organized. Yet what lurked below it was far more sinister. Another NERV command center, hidden underneath the life of this place. And somewhere even deeper than that, lay the sleeping horrors, waiting for a new set of lives to ruin: the Evangelions. Or so he assumed.

It was dark out now, the kind of darkness only present in the early hours after midnight. Most of the city's electric lighting was out—not all, but for a city the size of Tokyo-2 "most" could make a difference. Only the street lamps illuminated the eerily quiet boulevards and parks dotting between steel and glass monoliths—skyscrapers that faintly reminded of the city he had once destroyed not so long ago. Misato's apartment was sufficiently far away that, to Shinji, it looked as though he might be able to just reach out and pick one of the towers up with his bare hand. And if he'd been in Unit 01 he could have. He shuddered at the idea.

It was another one of those nights. Those nights where he couldn't sleep; the nights where he would just go out onto the balcony, look at the city, and think. He would think about NERV. He would think about Evangelion. He would think about Third Impact. And he would wonder, semi-cynically, if anything about the world really was different at all.

Sure, it was a lot smaller than before; some people still hadn't returned from Third Impact—more than half were still "somewhere" out in that immense lake of LCL and DNA, unable or unwilling to return. Shinji would think about that lake and think about all the people in his life on nights like this one. And he would think to himself, _nothing's changed. I'm still just alone as I ever was._

_Tomorrow__is the one-year-anniversary of Third Impact. One year since the biggest mistake I ever made._

Shinji had always blamed himself for what had happened—a notion most of NERV did not share. Even Asuka had forgiven at one particularly unusual moment, drawn away from her typical self in the closest thing he could recall as being sympathy from her. It didn't get rid of the guilt though; he guarded it and clutched at it as if it was the only thing keeping him alive anymore.

He was fifteen now, almost sixteen. High school was still a struggle. Normality wasn't completely in place but it was returning, filling in the darker spaces of the world all the time. His dealings with NERV were almost minimal. He hadn't worn a plug suit in what seemed like an eternity. He could still remember what LCL smelled like though—that tinge of blood over mechanically clean nothing.

But life after Eva wasn't any easier—it wasn't as he had imagined. His disconnection with Misato had only grown after the immensely happy moments of her return to the world of the living. Even though they'd held each other with tears in their eyes the day she'd come walking out of that lake. Even though she'd shushed away his strangled voice that he had "left her to die" as he cowered, crying in that elevator nearly one year ago.

_How could you, how could you, how could you..._

Only six months ago he thought he'd finally give back that white cross of hers. The one he'd been wearing with such a heavy heart. The one he would hold onto so tightly when he felt like crying for the only person in his life he felt had ever genuinely cared about him. But that day Misato would not take it back, and the cross stayed with him. As did the weight of it, the guilt never seeming to leave from its dangling position over his chest.

Slowly, he drifted back into social isolation. Asuka, though he rarely tried, refused to let him in past those carefully crafted walls of anger, pushing him away with every attempt. Touji was still his good friend. He and Kensuke were friends. Hikari too, maybe. But Rei was gone. _Father is gone..._

A life without Gendou and Evangelion: it was what Shinji had always imagined he wanted. And now that he had it he found himself still depressed, still disconnected from those he wanted to be close with, and still just as lonely as ever.

They had warned him, in the hazy memories immersed in Instrumentality that returning the world to the way it was would simply put back all of the barriers between people—AT Fields. This cruel juxtaposition that made human beings so unique but also an ultimately isolated creature. And now Shinji seemed to have become the epitome of this painful conclusion. His further alienation from those around him only strengthened these darker feelings hiding beneath the memories of his piloting days.

He looked over the railing of the balcony now; it was four stories to the sidewalk and asphalt below. _Probably enough to kill me. _He didn't really believe he was suicidal; maybe he wanted to die but he was far too afraid to take his own life. But the dark thoughts were a grim reminder of the way he felt about his life. _Worthless. Just like father must have thought, as he left me that day._

Misato was concerned though she'd never admit it. She could see the signs—signs that Shinji was regressing back to the way he had been before he'd ever arrived in Tokyo-3. He was on the same sort of collision course she'd seen only once before: with Asuka. And she knew that sooner or later something was going to break.

What was it that distressed him so greatly? What had pushed him back into the perpetual silences and shyness that had plagued him so much before? Was it the very thing he had thought he wanted?

The disappearance of his father.

Though he may have wanted to escape from Gendou, having him removed suddenly and permanently had just created a wound. It was a gaping hole where all of the anger he had gathered for the man he hated so much just sat and pooled. And waited. For something bad enough or someone foolish enough to open up that scar and peer inside.

Lurking somewhere beneath that placid calm of a healthy if somewhat shy teenager was the same sort of rage that came roaring to life during the few instances of Unit-01's reactivation—the berserker rage. This terrifying thing that had always been hiding in Shinji's subconscious, only ever fully revealed inside an Eva.

Now, with no Evangelion to pilot, no father to hate, the rage gathered. And brooded.

_Maybe I should just run away._

The wind answered, twirling his dark bangs so that they danced above his head. He sighed, pulled open the door to the balcony, and disappeared back inside the apartment. Back into his room where he undressed and lay down on the covers of his futon. He would not sleep tonight.

-

"Baka, get up!"

There was no answer. Asuka just watched the door, not so different from Shinji's front door in their first apartment. _Back when we were fighting Angels_.

She thought, ear pressed firmly against the door, that she could just hear him breathing faintly on the other side. Though the layout was different, they had purchased most of the amenities contained within their original home in Tokyo-3 to give the apartment a similar feel. Slightly bigger and slightly more modern maybe, but when she would look out the windows, it still looked like Tokyo-3 outside so it still felt like their old apartment inside. _But it's Tokyo-2 now... things are different. We're different._

She craned her neck, desperate to hear any reaction, something she could justify as a sign of waking. Nothing answered. Now upon closer inspection it didn't even sound as if there was anyone in there at all. If there had been any breathing it had ceased. Momentary worry coursed through the back of her mind as if Shinji could have been possibly stupid enough to have choked on his own pillow at that very instant.

"BAKAAAA!" she roared.

She yanked the door open, deciding that even if he was naked or worse she could always avert her eyes. But there was no Shinji doing perverted things to himself or even snoring peacefully asleep—there was no Shinji at all, just some ruffled covers on a futon and tatami. Her expression of anger, her eyebrows which had been scrunched so deeply, her grimace which had been so exquisitely crafted into utter and total disgust; it all fell to nothing as she said "Oh" and lost all grip on her well-honed anger.

_Should have known._

She sighed. It was quite typical Shinji behavior actually. Whenever there was any decent reason to be mad at him (although it had only been his late waking this morning) he would be absent, if not physically then at least mentally. She had used to be able to get to him but, not any more—not since Third Impact.

All of the mean things she could think of saying to him, even the nastiest ones, garnered little to no reaction nowadays. Physical violence was no better; she had tried on a handful of occasions but Shinji was strange, unresponsive. Like a broken little doll he would just sit there and get kicked or slapped, not doing anything to stop it. It got a few tears out of him most of the time but never any real crying—mostly pathetic weakness, no real pain.

_Nothing like what I went through... this spoiled little punk; he has no idea what real pain is._

It was the unresponsiveness that bothered Asuka the most about Shinji now. Every day he seemed to become more and more like Rei: quiet, withdrawn, almost emotionless. It terrified her, though she would never admit it. And Misato had always gotten in the way before she could inflict any real damage. Or give him any idea of why she felt the need to do these things to him. Before she could really give him a piece of her mind.

But Asuka was truly happy today—she had finally concocted a scheme that she was sure would elicit some sort of real response from the boy she was nearly obsessed with. She would finally hurt him this time—get him where she'd never gotten him before.

He had few weak spot when it came to verbal abuse and Third Impact was one—she had already tried mentioning the events of it a number of times to him; it could hurt him she had seen but it was not the sort of pain she enjoyed inflicting on him. It was quiet, contained pain. _Not fun at all._ No, what she wanted was response, action on his part. Something to convince her that he was another doll—_not that goddamned doll Rei!_

She slowed her breathing back down, calming herself. He had run away. One had to expect these kinds of things when dealing with Shinji Ikari. Today was the anniversary after all; the high school was even taking some class time to hold a special meeting in the auditorium in honor of the three pilots who had "saved the world."

That was most likely why he had run away—Shinji, she knew, was uncomfortable with any praise. And he still felt guilty about Third Impact, felt guilty for all of the people who had left the planet for that pool of LCL and never returned.

_No, no, Shinji, don't be happy that what you did saved Misato's life! Go ahead and be sad that Fuyutsuki and some people you don't even know are gone. Idiot. Be upset because you gave Touji his arm and leg back! Be sad that the father that treated you like shit isn't here to spit on you anymore. You pathetic shit._

"Misatoooo," she growled, poking her head around the corner to aim at the kitchen.

"Whaaaat?" she heard faintly from Misato's airy voice mixed in with the sounds of various kitchenwares at work. _Misato making breakfast?_ Well some things really had changed, she supposed.

"I think we have a bit of a problem. I think Shinji ran away... like always."

"What was that, Asuka?" Misato called back to her charge, her voice calm with the soothing stroke of her morning beer.

"I said," Asuka began, inhaling. "SHINJI RAN AWAY!"

Asuka heard the shattering sound of a plate falling out of Misato's grip and onto something hard. She walked into the kitchen, arms crossed, staring at her guardian who was looking into the sink. Misato was still just as beautiful as she had ever been pre-Impact. Her purple tangles of long hair lay over her shoulders, thrown semi-carelessly. Her brow was contracted, putting wrinkles on her normally flawless face. That impeccable smile was curved downwards now, hidden beneath those immense lips, in a tiny frown.

"Shit," Misato said.

There was an awkward silence as the two of them stared at each other. Misato returned her gaze to whatever was left of their meal in the sink.

"Shit," she said again.

"Exactly. And the school is expecting him today! This is supposed to be a real big honor and he's really going to look like a jerk if he doesn't even bother to show up."

"I know, I know!" Misato said, waving a hand in the air as if being accused. She tried to salvage whatever she had been cooking for breakfast. Asuka remarked as she watched her motions that for once it didn't look like her guardian had drunk her usual morning beer or two after all.

"Not to mention Rei. That's showing her a lot of respect…" Asuka continued, trying to find some way to really push Misato's buttons this morning, mostly because she didn't have Shinji to pick on at the moment.

"Asuka, stop it!" Misato said, staring her down. She looked deadly serious now. "You know Shinji appreciates Rei's... sacrifice just as much as anyone else. He just doesn't know how to show it; he doesn't know what to do with any of his feelings these days. It's the kind of person he is. You, of all people Asuka, should know that by now."

And Asuka did know that. Maybe even more so than Misato. But it didn't stop her from being mad at him. Mad at all of the things he had screwed up for her._ Why does she always side with you!_

"Try telling that to the principal then..." Asuka replied after a moment, easily growing sarcastic. "'Oh, Shinji? Well he's not coming to your big honorary ceremony for him today as a sign of his respect.' Riiiiiight."

Misato made an ugly face at Asuka and stuck out her tongue.

"Well I'm still trying to figure that bit out. You're really trouble today... what's got you in such a good mood?" Misato asked, one eyebrow cocked.

"Nothing..." Asuka said, grinning.

Misato did not pry any further and Asuka was happy to continue her breakfast in silence, plotting every nuance and detail of her revenge on Shinji Ikari today.

-

A bird was chirping somewhere. The early morning air was surprisingly brisk, cool to his skin. He shivered and walked faster, cupping his hands around each one of the short sleeves on his white shirt.

The sun was floating lazily up, its orange glow gleaming at him from in between the towering steel fingers of the skyscrapers in the distance. Some of those sky-scrapers hadn't even been there six months ago. But six months ago Misato popped out of nowhere and NERV suddenly had a real commander instead of the delegated Maya Ibuki. And six months ago Misato had turned herself into a self-made contractor with the help of government loans.

To the unobservant citizen he would look just like any other high school student, up a bit early perhaps, but not unusual. There were five major high schools in Tokyo-2, each with enough students to make the uniforms rather commonplace. But if one looked close enough, beyond the brown bangs and into the dark eyes aimed at the pavement, maybe, just maybe, they would recognize the face of what was easily the most famous high school student in the entire world now. The soft, shy features of a hero.

NERV, under the careful direction of Misato, had released some heavily edited footage of the battles with the Angels to the public as well as some footage of the pilots. He and Asuka, as if they hadn't been under enough scrutiny, were now frequently assailed by crazed fans. This was the only reason that Shinji actually appreciated Section Two constantly trailing him and Asuka around the city. Even Touji had a team of guards. Misato had always chalked it up to paranoia on the part of the Japanese government. These children were their claim to fame (and Germany's claim in Asuka's case).

Rei was, officially at least, dead. All of the bizarre truths surrounding her and the Dummy Plug project were concealed from the public eye—it was a secret he shared now only with Asuka, Misato, and Ritsuko and possibly a few other NERV staff; Asuka only knew the entirety of it from seeing the towering white face before the AT field holding it together decayed in those first hopeless days on that beach.

The face that had been his first sight in the newly reconstructed world; now it didn't even exist. The spot where it had been was supposedly like a rain forest now, one of its edges close to the lake that was Tokyo-3. He'd never been there. He didn't ever intend to go.

He looked up and down the quiet, tree-lined streets of his neighborhood. He was close to the train station now, maybe another block or two at the most. There was some traffic but most of it was moving so quickly that no one would really have time to look at him or even recognize him.

Shinji sensed movement behind his shoulder. _Section Two,_ he thought. If he was really going to get away this time, he reasoned, he was going to have to get away from them. He quickly jogged through the street, not even crossing at a crosswalk. He put himself in a position that would force the agent to compromise himself and the shadow around the corner fell back, leaving room for another agent to hone in on him instead.

Shinji used this against the security team's efforts and, guessing where next agent would come from, turned down a difficult to see back alley. It was a particular shortcut he had never used to get to the station, one he had been saving for a day like today. A "vacation" day.

It worked. Shinji was at the station two minutes later and he could see no one, not even a shadow of a person nearby. Satisfied, he boarded the train, not even bothering to check where it was headed.

He spotted one of the Section Two suits again as the train pulled out of the station. The man had two fingers pressed to his earpiece, clearly speaking to someone through his collar-mic; Shinji could not see his face: the man's back was turned to him and the escaping train.

-

Misato had been running around the apartment like a madwoman. She was speaking, or rather screaming, into her NERV cellular phone, not her regular personal phone. Asuka knew what that meant: Section Two was getting its ass pounded right now.

From what Asuka had bothered to listen to, Misato was trying to get in contact with Section Two and find him before he got too far away. And Section Two, being Section Two, happened to have lost him this morning.

Asuka was certain from the tone of Misato's voice that quite a few people had been fired today as a result of what Shinji had done this morning. _Nice job costing them their incomes, Shinji. You're being a real jerk today and I bet you don't even know it or care. Like always._

Misato finally re-entered the kitchen looking thoroughly more worn out than she had looked fifteen minutes ago.

"I'm taking you to school," she announced to the redhead.

Asuka just stared at her with a "you going tell me more?" look. Misato caved as she always did to this expression. Asuka was too much like a little sister to her now to resist.

"Those idiots couldn't keep track of him, of course. They think he caught a train at that station a few blocks from here but they aren't sure and they don't even know what direction he's going if he's even on that line. Idiots."

Asuka agreed with her guardian for once. She still feigned being mad, deciding it was best to keep up appearances.

"So Shinji gets to skip school and I have to go, eh? Nice and fair, don't you think?" she said, false-venom lacing her words so easily.

"Oh stop it, Asuka. Besides, if we can't find Shinji in time, we need at least two of you to be there for this thing," Misato said, slipping into her room to get dressed.

Asuka grunted but didn't protest any further. She actually, despite her attitude, wanted to go to school today. It was school after all, where she could make her revenge come to fruition. But then she had a worrying thought. _What if Shinji doesn't show up in time? _She reasoned that she could always try again, once he was back in the apartment and going to school. _But it won't be the same—not like today_._ Because today's the anniversary._

Maybe, some other day, even her great plan would have no effect on the boy who seemed to only grow colder. But today, she was sure, today he would notice. And it would hurt! She grinned to herself.

"Misato, you better find him. I don't want to be the only idiot up on that stage when they do this stupid ceremony," she whined at her guardian's bedroom door.

"I know, I know," Misato replied, cracking open the door as she made the sounds of someone struggling with a uniform.

Suddenly the door popped open and Misato looked (miraculously) ready for work.

"Now get in the car before you're late for school," she said, making crazy hand motions towards the door.

Asuka grabbed her briefcase, grumbling to herself all the while. After a moment's pause, she turned and went back around the corner, back into Shinji's room and retrieved his briefcase as well. She grumbled a little louder now as she walked to the elevator, one case in each hand.

Misato, noticing the gesture as she locked the door, smiled at her charge. Perhaps she suspected that this crazy girl really did have feelings for him. She would have never guessed the strange malevolence Asuka harbored for him, the sort of hatred that could even appear as love sometimes; she could not guess what Asuka had planned.

-

Shinji glanced out the window again, his new SDAT's headphones firmly secured over his ears and blaring.

He had been listening to the radio for a change and one of the lyrics had just been "What the hell, you've got nothing else to lose." He didn't recognize the song but the lyric fit his mood and he smiled, or at least did as best he could; it felt like he hadn't smiled in a long, long time. It felt almost strange to be making that expression on his face.

He looked out the window again, watching the greenery flicker by at speed. He had noticed over the duration of the trip that he was slowly getting further and further away from the center of Tokyo-2. _Good_, he thought. _The further the better._

He had never been on this direction coming from that particular station; he was just happy to know he was leaving the city. The closer to downtown he got, the more frequent the cameras from NERV.

If he went into the city and then tried to get off the train, Section Two would probably pick him up. And Misato would inevitably come driving up. She'd probably talk to him. She'd probably be nice to him. But Shinji wanted freedom today, not a pep-talk. "_Go be a hero for once, Shinji"... yeah right._

Honestly he just didn't want to think about what happened one year ago today; he had no desire to remember any of the dark days leading up to it either. But he was finally getting away. _No need to worry. Don't think about it. It's not your fault. You didn't let them die. You didn't do it._

He grew anxious listening to the song and quickly turned off the SDAT, tucking it back into his pocket. The car was empty except for him. No one really had any reason to be going out of the city, not this far out at least, and not at this time of day.

When the train pulled into the next stop, he decided to get off and he made his way out of the tiny, empty station. If there was anyone else on the train, they didn't exit. There was only one street running next to the station, and the only building he could see from the train platform was a tiny convenience store down to his right. To his left, the road continued on and up into the hilly forests that were the outskirts of the city.

Shinji began strolling down the street headed towards the left of the station and out into the wilderness. After a few curves in the road he came upon a giant sign, painted blue on the left shoulder of the road. In huge white letters it read:

Ayanami National Forest

Next Exit

_Rei._

Shinji stopped dead. At least some of the thoughts he had been busy forgetting today came flying back at him. Memories of Rei's design. He was halted by a name he had not expected to ever see again. Halted by the memory of a person he never fully understood.

He regained his footing, now determined now to see what exactly "Ayanami National Forest" was—he'd never heard of it before. He walked a measured distance away from the road at all times although at no point during his journey did a car ever go past. He was surprised there was even a station out here. Wherever "here" was.

After another fifteen minutes of walking, a good deal of it uphill, and Shinji saw the sign on his right along with a tiny tollbooth marking the entrance to the park. He looked around. The shocking stark green of Japanese forest in summer peak assaulted his eyes everywhere that he looked. Shinji approached the booth carefully, wary that this place might have some connection to NERV. Surprisingly enough no one was in the booth despite the gate across the road being lowered. He walked around the gate, pausing for a moment, and then continued down the road. Huge forest rose up on either side, towering green complexities that just eroded away the perspective in a cluster of trunks, leaves, and branches.

When Shinji had reached the parking lot for what was apparently the park he noticed that there were no cars in the lot. No one appeared to be even remotely close to here it seemed. He moved through the empty parking lot up to another sign at the start of a trail into the woods.

The sign welcomed him to the park and informed him that he was witness to "Japan's newest national treasure." It was typical, he thought, of the government to go and do something like this and then not even tell anyone.

At the bottom of the sign he noticed the line: "This park is dedicated to Rei Ayanami, Evangelion Pilot and hero. Her sacrifice made this world possible."

_She had no choice! NO CHOICE!_

Shinji lurched and bent over at the head of the trail, almost falling to his knees. Bile rushed at the back of his throat and he wretched though nothing came. This was exactly the sort of thing he'd been seeking to escape when he had run away this morning; praise for piloting Evangelion. Praise that he, most of all, did not deserve.

To him, at least, many of the things he'd done in Evangelion were inexcusable acts cowardice and worse. Names like Touji and Kaworu tended to walk into his head at times like these. And while the former was now free from the injuries endured during his piloting experience, the latter was very much gone—just as Rei was.

"I'm sorry, Rei," he murmured softly, righting himself and staring at the sign again.

He began to walk down the path into the forest.

_Her forest._

-

Asuka watched as Misato drove away, pulling around the corner. The school was more or less the same as the first school she'd been to in Tokyo-3, before the Impact. There were new students and new teachers, but her class was still the same class roughly.

She walked into the building and up the steps to the second floor where her classroom was. _Still A-2_, she thought, glancing at the big black letters as she walked over the precipice of the doorway. She carried two briefcases—hers and Shinji's. She wasn't entirely sure herself just why she'd brought his briefcase; she'd done it more on impulse than anything else.

_Maybe,_ she reasoned, _when he arrives at school he'll notice I'm being nice to him._

Asuka grinned evilly, tossing Shinji's briefcase carelessly onto his empty desk.

Hikari trotted over, quickly recognizing Shinji's absence. Being the class leader that she was, she said, "Asuka, good morning. Is Shinji here today?"

She indicated at his empty seat as Asuka took hers next to Hikari.

"Yeah, about that. The thing is, he ran away some time last night," she said idly, as if it wasn't of any real interest to her.

"What?" Hikari said, gasping and now staring wide-eyed at her friend.

Touji and Kensuke, who'd been previously conspiring on some no-doubt stoogish thing, also turned their attention to her. They gathered next to Hikari, and Asuka grudgingly continued to explain.

"Yeah. Misato has Section Two looking for him but, knowing those idiots, he could be gone for a while. Maybe even a few days... baka."

"Gee," Hikari intoned. "Do you think it's cause of the ceremony today?"

"Probably," Asuka muttered into the collar of her shirt.

Touji and Kensuke just stared at the pair of females, equally bewildered. Touji, being the less intelligent of the two, opened his mouth first.

"He ran away _because _of the ceremony? I don't get it. They are going to be applauding us today, I thought."

"You would completely miss the point, stooge," Asuka replied, eyes narrowing. "You're a stooge; you don't understand things like this." The way she said it sounded as if she was explaining to a child. "Shinji doesn't like talking about—even thinking about piloting Evangelion. That's just how he is. You remember what he was like meeting you again for the first time since... you piloted."

Touji nodded hesitantly, briefly lost in the memories of that awkward but happy reunion. Kensuke just sort of turned his gaze to each one of them, seeming to be the only one still out the loop.

"Wait, what? Shinji isn't coming today?" Kensuke said, finally.

"Gah! Idiots! I can't stand talking to these chumps; I don't know how Shinji puts up with them," Asuka said, suddenly pretending as if only Hikari existed again.

A tiny gesture passed between Hikari and Touji; not much more than a look. The boys, realizing they were being excluded again, slowly retreated to their seats. Each one looked thoroughly more confused than before they had joined the conversation.

Hikari, in the meantime, had been assimilating all of this information about Shinji.

"So he really did run away because of the ceremony. Oh, I hope he's alright Asuka..." she said, sounding far more worried than Asuka appeared to be.

"Nonsense. I'm sure he'll be fine. He's just running away, Hikari—he's done it plenty of times before."

"I know, Asuka. But still, Shinji hasn't been... well, you know, he hasn't been himself I guess. I worry about him now. Have you talked to him lately? I mean, he seems really... depressed."

Asuka shook her head growing quiet.

_Everyone I know... they're all turning into dolls. That's what she's saying. She sees it too. Is he becoming just another doll like Rei? Is that what all Eva Pilots become?_

_Is that what I'm becoming?_

The last thought was almost too much, too frightening. Asuka trembled under her friends gaze lost in the horrifying sense of it. Hikari put her hand to Asuka's shoulder, knocking her out of her trance.

"You okay?" she said, staring into Asuka's twin blues which held something unusual in their expression now.

"Yeah," Asuka said after a moment.

She tried to concentrate now, pushing the thoughts away. She remembered her mission for the day.

_Maybe, though... maybe if I can get revenge on Shinji I can break him. Robots don't cry—they certainly can't be jealous._

She focused her gaze on Takeshi Fukai, a transfer student, from where she couldn't remember. She didn't know much about him except that all the girls in the school had fawned over him ever since his arrival. His "handsome" features won him more attention than even she or Shinji were treated, something that had prompted her to despise his presence.

He was also second on the basket ball team only to Touji Suzuhara; those two had an uneasy friendship made uncomfortable by the basketball rivalry and Fukai's contempt for Shinji. Fukai, apparently had lost someone in Third Impact. An Unreturned, as they were called now.

From what Asuka had seen, during the few social encounters between the two boys, things were tense to put it nicely.

She took a few confident strides across the room to his desk, leaving Hikari for the moment to contemplate Shinji's running away.

She paused by his desk, waiting for him to finish speaking to two girls who were flirting with him in a manner that could best be described as "hopelessly obvious."

"Hello, Takeshi," she said sweetly, eyeing him.

She realized now why so many girls flocked to him. He had a pretty, confident face and a strong, tall frame. He was easily an inch or two taller than her which was saying something given her German ancestry.

He blinked slowly, flashing his dark eyelashes in a gesture that could be described as something faintly reptilian.

"Hello... Asuka," he said, after a moment's pause. She was almost surprised that he knew her name by the tone he used. Then again, she and Shinji were probably the only two high school students known just about everywhere they went in Tokyo-2. Or anywhere else in the world for that matter.

"So," she said, not wasting time. "Have you heard about how I'm going to be in the ceremony today? Pretty cool, huh? Yeah, I'm the only available Eva Pilot in the school. Well, other than Shinji I guess."

"Ikari..." He said the name like a poison.

"Yeah?" she said.

"Where is he today?" he asked, looking around the classroom as if he hadn't spotted him yet. "Doesn't he usually come in with you?"

"Yeah," she said, rolling her eyes. "He's uhh, sick... yeah, I think he's getting taken to the doctor right now actually."

He laughed, flashing flawless teeth. His grin turned into an ugly sneer. "So he really _is _a wimp, like they say?"

_Only I get to say that about Ikari!_

She resisted the urge to smack him—an urge she also found faintly disturbing—and faked a surprisingly convincing grin, pretending to smile at his joke.

"Say, you're pretty cute," he said, his gaze lowering itself down her body. She watched him eye her hungrily, half-disgusted and half-delighted at how easily he had been attracted to her. _Stupid boys... hahaha._

"Why don't we talk more often?" he said quietly.

"I don't know," she giggled. "Maybe you should come ask me some time. Oh look at that—there's our professor. Maybe I'll see you after class..."

She gave him one last smile and returned to her seat, plopping down. Her demeanor could be described as almost giddy. But then Asuka and giddy didn't usually tend to mix very well. The teacher began to write up something on the board after the "stand, bow, sit" routine. Asuka just smiled to herself, clasping her hands over her desk.

_Everything is going according to plan._

-

The forest loomed up on either side of him, engulfing his view in every direction. Pines towered, oaks flowered, and underbrush seemed thriving as well. Shinji thought that he had spotted at least three kinds of plant he hadn't ever seen in Japan before; plants he had never seen at all.

Birds called out to one another, their cries all collecting into a massive symphonic chatter; it was beautiful and unending. Shinji had never recalled visiting such a naturally beautiful place ever before. It made him smile then, the second time he'd done so today, walking down the winding path further and further into the forest.

_At least she has a beautiful place named after her. I think Rei would have liked it here. Yeah, maybe._

As he continued into the forest all of the traces of Tokyo-2's pinnacle markers, the skyscrapers, were slowly edged out by a canopy of leaves and pines reaching ever higher. Shinji continued trotting down the brown earth path, his head arched up so he could take in every piece of scenery. He felt pleased at his discovery and now earnestly wanted to spend the rest of the day out in this park.

But just as he was really beginning to enjoy the unending twists and turns of the canopy of leaves the trees stopped, making a clearing. It looked to be no bigger than fifty meters wide, but it was easily big enough to conceal something in the tall green grass that flourished at the center of it. Sure enough, as Shinji edged his way into the center, he noticed something forming in between the edges of the tall grass. Something dark. _Water?_

It was a huge pool, perfectly circular and perfectly blue, almost a reflection of the cloudless sky above. Shinji just stared at it a moment, trying to make sense out of it. There was something, he could see it faintly; something that didn't look right with it. Something about the way that the surface was moving that made him shiver—made his skin crawl.

_That doesn't look... right._

He approached it hesitantly and carefully pushed his way through the grass up to his waist. Once he was through the ring of grass he could clearly see the entire pool, easily half the size of the clearing itself. The first thing he noticed was that none of the tall grass around the opposite edge of the pool was being reflected on the surface of the water. The effect was subtle but bizarre. Furthermore, he could see nothing beneath the surface itself. No sign of a bottom at all. The surface kept moving, bulging, shifting around in ways liquid wasn't supposed to move. Something about the liquid suddenly didn't seem quite so real, as if he had just stumbled into a dream.

He bent down, looking into the pool. After a moment's pause he tried reaching into it, letting his curiosity get the best of him. It was as if his hand was running into invisible ice just before the water began; ice that had no temperature, no sensation of texture whatsoever. Ice that had no friction. He realized the "feelingless" sensation then.

_AT Field—ANGEL!_

He recoiled, pulling his hand away and staring at the shifting blue hues of the pool now in terror. He vaguely realized that the constant chatter of the bird calls, their beautiful song that had cried out since he had entered the woods, had ended—the entire forest had grown deathly silent. Then it seemed he couldn't remember anything else.

One Fin

A/N: The lyrics at the beginning are from the Nine Inch Nails song "And All That Could Have Been." All three parts have been written for this story (although it could be admittedly much, much longer) and I am currently only revising them. This was just a quick little idea I wrote up before I even started working on "A Thousand Years of Secrecy." I'm sure it's derivative. I'm sure it's been done a million times before. But I don't care. It's mine and I love it.


	2. Easy Mistakes How to Fall Down

**Neon Genesis Evangelion **

**Behind Closed Doors **

_"I will find a center in you / I will chew it up and leave _

_I will work to elevate you / Just enough to bring you down" _

Two – Easy Mistakes/How to Fall Down

Asuka sighed when she saw him come walking in, half-relieved and half-annoyed. It was the middle of their third subject for the day, just one away from lunch. And then, right in the middle of the lecture, in comes one slumping Shinji Ikari accompanied by a flustered Misato—of course. The teacher paused to speak with her in hushed tones while the class just stared as the ever-awkward Shinji took his seat.

After their guardian had finished speaking to the professor she turned, looking to Shinji and then to Asuka before disappearing out the door and probably back to NERV to really start kicking the asses of Section Two.

Asuka looked over at Shinji while pretending to distract herself with something outside the classroom windows; just the way she would always do when watching him in class. He was his usual blank self, a little tired perhaps, but seeming almost the same. She felt disgusted with him suddenly, sneering at his attitude.

_Why'd you even run away if you were going to let yourself get caught so easily? Unless you really need the pity that bad... Pathetic._

"Feh," she released under her breath, blowing off the anger for the time being.

If Shinji noticed her irritation with him he did nothing to show it. In fact he didn't even return Touji's whispers to him or Kensuke's inquiries into Section Two methods of subject-recovery; instead he just sat, eyes forward, staring out into nothing; he seemed to be oblivious to everything going on in class.

His disconnection only irritated her further. This was Shinji's problem nowadays, she thought—he was too cut off from everyone else, even his supposed friends. Whether it was self-inflicted or not, Asuka was determined to break his increasingly Rei-like attitude one way or another. Today, she reasoned, she had finally found that "another."

She continued to analyze him, trying to read his still body. She could tell he had noticed by now his briefcase was at his desk. She wondered if he would remember to thank her for bringing it. A part of her was angry just at the possibility he might not but, knowing Shinji as she thought she did, she was sure he would find a way to thank her if only for the opportunity to speak to her.

He had always been so easy to predict before anyways, she pondered, watching him now out of the corner of her eye.

He stood up, nearly jolting her out of her seat as she looked away, and when the teacher ahemed at him he said, "I'm going bathroom."

He didn't even ask. He just said it and then walked out. Hikari had practically jumped out of her seat to stop him but a friend near by (a friend Asuka quietly cursed now) reminded the class leader that Shinji was "probably sick today" and Hikari's boiling fury was ended prematurely. The teacher just stared out after the boy's exit, slightly put-off but far too surprised to do anything. No one in the class, teacher included, had ever seen Shinji be rude like that before—even Asuka was a bit surprised. After a moment the lecture continued as though nothing was amiss.

She thought she could faintly hear Fukai's throaty chuckle from behind her right shoulder.

-

Shinji hovered over the toilet bowl, paused, and then threw up again. There wasn't any breakfast in his stomach to be purged so clear, foul-smelling bile came out instead. He shook off the nausea, or maybe it shook him, he couldn't tell. The world seemed startlingly... unfamiliar. He tried to remember waking up today.

He had been running away. He had gotten on the train and then... he was in Misato's back seat. And what had she been telling him? Relax? Relaxing seemed absurdly impossible. He was nervous, hands practically shaking off the edge of the sink. One moment it was the sharp edges on the soap dispenser, the next it was tidal waves. Nothing seemed to be in order in his head. The dizziness didn't disappear even after the contents of his stomach seemed to stop rebelling.

He turned and looked at himself in the mirror. He stared at his reflection gaping in incomprehension; everything except him seemed to be moving on the reflection, swimming around him in a mess of swirls. The stalls in the bathroom, the lights in the ceiling and the tiles on the floor. It was all dancing into each other, rearranging itself at random, dividing and recombining like some giant kaleidoscope, constantly in motion, and all the while he remained frozen in the middle of it: the only thing still and complete.

He couldn't look at it any longer. He looked back into the sink, and turned on the water. He splashed it over his face again and again. _This is real_, he said. _This is real._

Or did he think it? He wasn't sure. Something about the water going into the drain in the sink, twirling into nothing; it looked so familiar—then abruptly terrifying to look at anymore and he screamed genuinely, turning away. He collapsed into a stall and put his head into his hands, shaking uncontrollably, as tears he did not understand came spilling out.

_Something's wrong with me_, he kept thinking over and over.

-

Lunch went by almost as quickly as the first four classes had, despite the introduction of Ikari into the picture. Asuka had eaten a quick, bland bento made for her by Misato on short notice that morning; she was sitting in her usual spot, by herself other than Hikari. Touji and Kensuke eventually joined them in mid-meal as was the irritating habit of her new boyfriend but, Shinji was nowhere to be found. When Asuka inquired to Touji about his absence both boys only shrugged at each other.

"Shinji said he wasn't eating today," they replied in unison.

Asuka put down her chopsticks slowly, carefully; she had lost her appetite. Enough is enough. She was tired of the act Shinji was putting on today. First running away, now acting strange in school—he was just asking for trouble from her. She hated whenever Shinji was in one of his "oh, the world is against me, boo hoo" moods and today that side of him had been on display in full.

_It's probably all an act_, she thought angrily. _Just to try and get my attention._

Well, she concluded, now he did have her attention only this time she was not going to let his attitude get to her. This time he was going to get what he deserved, a heavy dose of reality. Asuka could not be manipulated. She would prove that to him. She would make Shinji envious of her. She would make him jealous. If felt good after all, she reasoned. Yes, it could feel nice to be wanted by someone.

_Today, I'll make him want me again._

As soon as lunch period had ended the principal came onto the PA informing all of the students that they were to enter the auditorium for the ceremony today.

Students filed out of the cafeteria, laughing and talking to one another and eager to take the time they were getting out of class to socialize. School tended to be pretty time-consuming if one actually paid attention in class, something she considered as beneath her with a college degree already completed.

Her schooling had been accelerated so far in Germany that by the time she had arrived in Japan the only struggle in any given subject was figuring out all of the Kanji on the page (a struggle that had earned her some particularly low marks when she had first arrived). This had helped foster her slacker attitude. Shinji, on the other hand, was always the studious one if not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. Used to be studious, she reminded herself—ever since Third Impact that side of him had disappeared. She had heard only snippets of his teacher-parent conferences this year from Misato: apparently Shinji hadn't turned in a single assignment yet. All his tests had been returned to the teacher blank.

Asuka forced herself to stop thinking about him and trudged into the auditorium, Hikari quietly in tow the entire time. They separated with a few parting words as they entered and Asuka went to sit at the front of the auditorium, right next to Touji as she had been instructed previously. No one else but he occupied the front row. Beside her a chair with a piece of paper marked "Ikari" remained conspicuously empty. She looked around but he did not appear to be anywhere, particularly near here.

_Shit. Is he really going to make me and Touji do this by ourselves? Even after he got brought here by Misato like that? He wouldn't... would he?_

She didn't entirely know what "this" was as she thought about it now, looking over at the equally-bewildered Touji. All her teacher had instructed them to do after class had ended yesterday was to sit in the front row and stand up when called upon.

More and more students continued to pour in, filling up the seats behind her higher and higher into the room. Even many of the faculty was attending, squeezed into seats on the end of the row or standing off to the side in the aisles next to either wall of the room.

The principal, who was standing in front of the entire room just beneath the stage, stared at Asuka now. The students had finished coming in. The presentation was due to start. A quiet hush began to grow over the room. The hard-looking man, slightly bald, stared down at Asuka over the rims of his glasses and gestured vaguely at the empty seat next to her.

Asuka just shrugged in response, feeling the blood rush to her cheeks.

_Now you've got the principal mad at you too, dummkopf._

Reluctantly after a few minutes wait, the principal sighed and nodded to the eager projectionist who Asuka now realized was none other than Kensuke Aida. Asuka looked between him and the principal then did a double-take. She had no idea her classmate was "in on it." Kensuke just grinned maniacally in response and gave her a thumbs-up.

Then the lights in the auditorium dimmed, and onto the screen projected the huge image of Unit 01 and 02 rising up out of a mountainside at sunset, a shot from the beginning of one of their missions against one of the Angels, she knew. The crowd of students made sounds of excitement and awe, watching the towering machines of war began to stomp out into the countryside with their thunderous footsteps shaking the speakers of the entire room.

The Evangelions, she remarked, from this perspective looked awesomely powerful. It was almost hard to believe, she thought as the footage slowly intensified, that she had once powered one of those; it seemed like another world to her now. Some sort of classical music was tinkling in the background behind the raw noise their machines could make by simply moving.

She noticed then, out of the corner of her eye, one Shinji Ikari ducking his way towards the front. He took his seat beside her without even making eye contact, silently fitting into place like he always had. She would have berated him if the principal hadn't been right there. But then she realized that she should try to be nice to him, if only for a little bit longer. No need to ruin the surprise. The video continued as though nothing had happened though she noticed the principal breathe a tiny sigh of relief.

The footage of the Evas began to be interspersed with footage of all of the incredible ground-level work being done by all of the NERV crews just in preparation for each battle. Hordes of equipment trucks, security vehicles, and communications teams moving into place and setting up. The violins came in mournful and melodic and, the music began to take a darker edge.

The previously noisy crowd of the room began to quiet down; they watched intensely as images of the damage from battles were projected onto the screen with the darker minor tone of the melody. Entire blocks of Tokyo-3 wiped out; mountainsides demolished; lakes appearing in places that they hadn't been before.

One by one a handful of Angels was projected onto the screen as the music grew darker and darker. The crowd made murmurs of agitation and some even went so far as to boo at the alien looking creatures. That got a grin from Touji in the corner of her eye.

Suddenly, brilliantly, as the trumpets came in again, the Evangelions crashed back onto the screen, entering into combat with the various Angels.

Asuka remarked silently that, despite her previous cynicism, it was a well put together presentation. When the music began to drain away images of the Evangelions re-entering the Geofront flashed across the screen and finally the music ended and the lights turned back on again.

The crowd made thunderous applause, from which Kensuke seemed to particularly swell in pride. His smile was practically lighting up the entire auditorium as the students cheered. She then had the sneaking suspicion that he had been involved in the creation of the presentation as well.

The principal walked onto the stage and up to the podium and the applause ended after a few more moments and his call for attention.

"I would just like to congratulate our three attending pilots again for their bravery one year ago that made this world possible. Shinji, Asuka, Touji, please stand. Let's all give them another round of applause!"

Slowly, they rose together. It was almost camaraderie. For a few moments as they began to stand, it almost appeared as if the pilots might have been close to one another because of their experience in Evangelion. No one knew how Shinji had crippled Touji. No one knew how close they'd all come to dying. No one knew about her mental break down. _No one really knows what a fucking coward he is._ How confusing appearances could be.

Applause thundered again and Asuka turned from the vigorously applauding principal, beaming a flawless smile back at the hooting crowd. Shinji could only blush and shrink back beneath the attention. Touji reveled in the applause, considering himself lucky to even be called a pilot.

But the moment died a little when she saw him there in the crowd of students. Asuka didn't take her eyes off of the one face she recognized in the crowd. It was Fukai and he was looking at the oblivious Shinji. He had the strangest smile on his face; Asuka remarked that for all his handsome features, this particular smile did not make him look very pleasant.

-

Back to class.

He did not want to go back to class. Students jostled him, everyone pouring out of the auditorium almost faster than they had entered. Many were still talking about the movie, occasionally directing their glances his way. But he did not even glean happiness from this envy; to him, it looked as if their stares were casting him out rather than admiring him. And maybe some of them really were.

He made his way back to the classroom on the second floor, and then stopped, pausing at the bathroom again. He went back in and got a handful of water out of the sink. Splashed it on his face. Trying to just _feel _normal. Gulped some down. The cool sensation of the water gliding down his throat. _You can do this. Everything's fine. You didn't. You didn't. Hurt. Them._ After a sigh he resigned himself to attending class and made his way back to A-2. _Chin up, Shinji. Chin up._

But then, just beyond the girl's bathroom he spotted Fukai and Asuka talking to each other. Fukai had one hand on the wall Asuka had her back against. Shinji didn't alter his stride; he pretended he hadn't even seen them. Maintained his slow amble to class. Asuka tossed her red hair around, whipping it into his periphery vision while looking deeply into Fukai's stare. She was smiling, animated.

Asuka's talking with him. Maybe she likes him?

What happened next he did not quite expect. Suddenly the two embraced, lips together in what he could see to be only a "kiss." A real kiss, not like the time she'd grabbed his nose. A lips-to-lips, full on kiss. He tried not to look, keeping his head down and directing his gaze firmly at the floor. _Pretend. It's not. There._

_Asuka kissed him. They kissed?_

Fukai turned away from her though as Shinji was about to pass them and glared. Daring Shinji, just daring him to react so he'd have the excuse. _To what? Beat me up?_ Shinji didn't return the menacing stare or its confident grin. Until the hand jerked out and grabbed him by the shoulder.

"Hey! Shit-for-brains! You got a problem or something?"

Shinji returned the glare with no enthusiasm.

"You have no idea..." he muttered, looking away.

That was when the punch came. And he hit the floor.

-

_Tell me that did not just happen. Please tell me he did not just... oh shit, Fukai. You fucking prick. You've ruined it! Shit! Shit!_

Asuka was staring at her classmate as he knelt onto Shinji's chest to begin pummeling him. Frantically she glanced around the hall to see if any teacher was making their way towards the scuffle. There was not a soul to be seen. Everyone was already back in class, being lectured and totally unaware.

_What the hell do I do now?_

Shinji looked up at her pleadingly from behind the cover of his brown bangs, tears bursting free as another hook nailed him in the side of the head.

_Fight you moron! Fight! Do something! If you aren't even going to fight for me... at least, at least do it for yourself._

He did not. Would not.

Fukai reared back for another hit, still streaming curses. Shinji did not raise to block. He just watched Asuka from those streaming eyes, staring and waiting helplessly.

_Relying on me to get you out of this mess. You really are. Worthless._

Asuka grabbed the boy's arm before he could hit and, he turned at her grip, looking as if he might just go and hit her too for good measure.

"Leave him," she tried, "he's not worth it."

The rage boiled away. Fukai stood. Spat on the crumple of Shinji beneath the two of them.

They walked away.

-

He was trying to get the blood to stop coming out of his nose, for the third time. His eye was starting to swell. He looked into the mirror, disgusted with himself. Disgusted with the hands that kept splashing water onto his face. Disgusted with the eyes that refused to stop tearing. Disgusted with the pain in his jaw. Disgusted with everything he'd ever done.

_"He's not worth it," she said. I'm not worth anything, am I? Even Asuka wouldn't help me. I should just... quit all this._

He walked back out of the bathroom for the second time. Numb. Each stride to the classroom he did not feel. Each breath. The raw aching in his mouth. The sting in his nostril. They didn't mean anything to him any more.

_Instrumentality. I did that. I took Takeshi's mother away from him—just the way Eva took mine. He has the right to hate me, doesn't he? I took her away from Fukai. And now he's taking Asuka away from me. That's fair, right? Right? Yeah... fair. Fair is fair._

He was in class. Sat down. He could feel sweat beading on his brow. The numbness faded. Into something worse. Those memories. So very much worse. He did not want to see her like that. Could not bear it again.

_How could you, how could you, how could you..._

Murmurs exploded across the classroom at his entry. The teacher stared at Shinji, as the lesson came to a full halt.

"Mr. Ikari, just where have you been all this... is that blood on your shirt?"

Shinji looked down at the white uniform that had betrayed him.

"I—I had a nosebleed. Had to, wait until it stopped." He didn't return the older man's gaze. Kept his head aimed at the desk before him.

"I suppose that's where the bruising on your eye came from too then? Mr. Ikari, have you been in a fight with another student?"

More murmurs, louder and faster. He ignored them. Ignored the question.

_Don't listen to these people._

"If you don't answer me, Ikari, I'll have no choice but to send you to the principal's office. I'll ask one more time: who were you fighting?"

Was he shaking. No couldn't be. Couldn't be.

_But they'll forget Rei's name. Just like everyone else. Just like the presentation today. I'm sorry, Rei._

_How could you, how could you, how could you..._

He almost shouted as a flashback of Rei II's self-destruction whipped through him. He clenched his teeth and struggled to keep the brimming tears in, gripping his desk with white knuckles; his world just kept spinning.

"I deserved it, okay?" he said, struggling to keep his voice even. "It's not a. Big deal."

"Teach, Shinji would never get in a fight with anyone. He's a—"

"Mr. Suzuhara, you are not part of this conversation," snapped the sensei. "Shinji, are you not going to answer?"

_Asuka. Falling apart. White. Vultures. How could you? How could you, Shinji?_

Could he scream? He wanted to. So very badly he wanted to. Whispered instead.

"It only happened because I'm. Worthless."

"Mr. Ikari, you are going to the principal's office right now and we are going to find out what happened one way—"

_"Why did you send for me? Why now?" "Because I have a use for you."_

"Fuck your 'principal,'" he said under his breath.

Ka-boom. He'd never heard the class that silent. The old man looked like he might just have a heart attack. Shaking with rage.

"You—what did you say? What the principal?"

_"We won't be living together anymore. You're being sent your Uncle's. I have work to attend to." He walked off without another word. Not even a "goodbye."_

_All you have to do is run away. Run away from them._

Shinji stood up and began to leave.

The man caught him be the arm.

"Stop right there."

"Don't touch me!" The scream found him. He trembled with its force. "Don't you fucking touch me! _Ever_!"

The offending hand and its stunned partner released him and he stepped out of the class.

-

Asuka stood outside the entrance to the school, biting fingernails with an intensity that suggested more than just a bad habit.

"Asuka, what—what happened today?" Hikari's tiny voice crept into her musing.

"I have no idea." Lying was far easier than any other answer.

_What did I do? Oh shit, Asuka. What the fuck did I think I was doing?_

"Do you have any idea who might have hit him?"

"No." Definitely stick with the lying.

"You don't think it was..." She stopped, waiting for Asuka to finish the thought.

Touji had brawled with Fukai in class once he spotted the bloody knuckles just a few moments after Shinji's departure. They were now being lectured in the principal's office. Where Shinji most definitely was not. She'd already checked.

"I don't know. Fukai has a mean streak for Shinji, right? Maybe they... got into an argument or something." _Liar._

"Jeeze but Shinji was acting so... I mean, have you ever seen him do that before?" _A couple time's in an Evangelion yeah. Never in real life._

"No."

"Do you suppose he's okay?"

"I very much doubt that could be possible anymore." Asuka sighed.

"Was it the ceremony?"

"No. Something else, maybe the fight, maybe..."

_"He isn't worth your time." "It's only because I'm. Worthless." Maybe that, huh?_

"Maybe what?" Hikari continued for her.

"I don't know. I don't know, Hikari, really I don't. I'm just as surprised as you are. And everyone else for that matter."

Hikari paused, face turned up to the afternoon sky with a thinking expression concealed behind the freckles.

"Even if he was sad, he was always nice, wasn't he?"

"Yeah. Nice." _But where did that go? Right down the drain is where, thanks to your stupid plan._

"Asuka, can you just promise me when you go home you'll talk to him? He could probably really use a friend right now."

"Yeah. A friend." She tried to keep from zoning out into the confusing mix of feelings she held for that particular "friend." But she hadn't really been much of a friend today, had she?

"I gotta go talk to Touji and the principal. See ya later, Asuka."

"Bye."

She stood still on the steps and alone, looking so lost now. And feeling helpless for the first time she could remember since one year ago.

Just like this morning, she had two identical briefcases under her arms.

-

He smiled a genuine smile as his head smashed against the side of the bathtub. He'd done it finally. _Go to sleep. It's over_, he thought as he closed his eyes. He was already beginning to feel tired. Something was happening to the door. Someone was banging on it maybe? He thought he could just faintly hear Asuka shouting at him from somewhere. _She sounds so far away. Too far away. Just like I was for her. When I let her die. Bastard. HOW COULD YOU? You spineless fucking bastard. You deserved this._

The door blurred into darkness. When he could see it again it had burst inwards. He thought he could just make out someone running towards him. And then someone's arms were around him, holding him and shaking him. Why wouldn't they just let him sleep? He thought he could feel tears streaming down his face but he wasn't sure if they were his. Then he couldn't really feel anything anymore. Just. Dark.

-

Asuka opened the door to their apartment and entered silently. She spotted his shoes on the floor near the entrance and sighed. _So he is home. Damn._

She trudged into the kitchen to find Misato opening a beer with some paperwork in her hand. She looked up when Asuka entered and faked a smile. Asuka could read the distress in her eyes.

"Oh, hey, you're back," she said, taking a break from chewing on the end of a helpless pen.

"Yeah. I'm back."

She sat down at the table putting the two briefcases down beside her.

"So. How was school today? Oh yeah! How was the ceremony?" Misato said. It sounded as if she'd genuinely forgotten about it.

"Didn't they call already?" she ventured.

"Yeah." Misato frowned at the beer. "Shinji got in a fight or something. I haven't been able to talk to him about it actually..."

Asuka could almost feel the concern pouring off her guardian.

"Asuka, did Shinji seem alright? I mean, when he first came in to school today? He was okay, right?" Asuka eyed her guardian suspiciously.

"Yeah, I'd say he seemed about the same to me. Maybe a little quiet but, about what I would have expected given the ceremony and all." She wanted to tell Misato what happened. She really did but.

"Good. Good to hear. Poor guy. He's been through a lot today," she said, sighing into her beer can. Relief flooded into her reply.

"What do you mean?" Asuka said, cocking her head to the side.

"You know. Running away and, uh... stuff. Um, just forget I said that actually. I can't talk about it anyways."

Misato smiled nervously behind the can of Yebisu.

"What the heck does that mean?"

"It's a NERV secret, okay? Classified. Sorry."

"You guys are still keeping secrets from us? Come on! What gives? I wanna know too!" Asuka was back into the whiny/angry mode she was most comfortable in when speaking to Misato. But it did not work this time.

"Nope. I'm sorry, Asuka. I can't tell you this one. I mean, if I did... Ritsuko would never let me hear the end of it, that's for sure. Besides it's probably nothing at all. Forget I even said it." But the way she spoke, Asuka immediately knew that this could not be the case. Something was wrong with Shinji before he even got to school. Before the whole Fukai mess.

Misato took another swig from her beer can innocently, trying to brush the whole thing off. Asuka gripped, unwilling. Not yet.

"Fine. Just tell me one thing: does Shinji know this one? This secret?" Asuka asked, growing serious.

Misato looked at her hard with something uncomfortable filling her gaze. Asuka felt nervous when Misato looked at her like that. She hadn't seen that face in a long, long time. _Not since..._

"I don't think he knows. No, probably not," she said very quietly after a few moments pause.

"There probably is no secret," Asuka growled, desperately wishing it was true and at the same time knowing it wasn't from the way her guardian looked at her.

"Maybe," Misato teased. But it was forced. Something had happened today to Shinji. She was sure of it now.

Asuka reluctantly dropped the subject and walked out of the kitchen after some more small talk with the woman. She held Shinji's briefcase firmly as she knocked on his door. There was no reply. Cautious now, she slid the door halfway open.

"Go away," said a tiny voice from the boy curled up in his bed. His back was turned to her.

"I just wanted to give you your briefcase. Sorry," she whispered. She could not remember ever apologizing to him. She felt strangely satisfied, yet terribly guilty in the same moment.

Asuka put the briefcase just inside the room then stood at the door, just watching his still form. If Shinji could have seen her face at this moment he would have seen an Asuka unlike any other. Her blue eyes were filled up with something no one else could have recognized: sadness—the kind she smothered away in anger most of her life; the sort of sadness she wouldn't let anyone else see. Not since the days after her mother's suicide. But he did not turn. He did not know. Could not.

"Just, go away. Please," he pleaded in the same, almost non-existent voice.

Asuka slid the door shut and stopped, just staring at the handle. _I guess I'll just wait. Until dinner. Yeah. Maybe I will tell him after dinner._

Dinner came and went with no sign of Shinji Ikari. She'd heard the same sad boy when Misato had tried to coax him out of his room with everything from threats to innuendo. He just begged her to "leave him alone" and nothing more and eventually Misato gave up. So it was only she and Asuka for dinner.

Neither ate much. Misato seemed far too worried about Shinji to do anything more than sip at her beer and glance at his door occasionally. As if desperately trying to figure out what the hell she was going to do with him.

Asuka, on the other hand, seemed to have lost her appetite altogether. She kept looking at the spot where Shinji would sit at the table. She realized now that she missed having him there. She'd been realizing a lot of things about him today.

Dinner finished and after Asuka had done her share of the dishes (it was Shinji's turn but neither girl seemed inclined to bother him) she moved into the living room and sat down to watch some TV. The couch was "coincidentally" just a few feet away from the entrance to Shinji's room.

Shows droned on. The News at nine-o'clock came on. And turned off too. Finally, at ten thirty, the brown-haired boy appeared.

Before Asuka could even look his way he had started off towards the bathroom, ignoring her entirely.

_Goddamn it! He's avoiding me! But, I have to talk to him. I have to explain the whole Fukai thing. Tell him that I didn't mean for him to get hurt, that I didn't want to kiss that asshole. Then maybe... well, maybe he will understand how I feel. Sort of._

Asuka waited on the couch for another thirty seconds, then, working up the courage, she approached the bathroom door and knocked once. No reply again.

"Shinji, are you in there?" she said loud enough so that he would hear her.

There was no reply.

"Shinji, can you hear me?" she said, louder now.

"Shinji, if you can hear me just say something…" she tried.

She put her hand on the handle of the door and found it firmly locked. He was certainly in there, she thought. _Probably hanging on my every word too. Fuck. Fuck it._

"Fine. I just wanted to say..." she paused, sighing. "I just wanted to say I am sorry about today. That thing with Fukai... was a stupid mistake. It wasn't what it looked like. And. What I did was wrong. I should have helped you, Shinji. I know I don't always act like it but, I want to be your... friend. I hope I still am. And. I didn't—I didn't mean to hurt your feelings if I did. So. I'm sorry. Okay? Shinji?"

Still there was silence. Something twitched in her. A feeling she'd forgotten since the Angels: fear. Tiny. Cold. Fear.

"Shinji, are you okay?"

More silence.

"Shinji, if you don't say you're okay, I'm coming in there!" she threatened.

Nothing.

"I mean it! I don't care if you're naked or... Whatever! I'll do it, Shinji! Shinji?"

She thought she heard the sound of something being knocked over. Loudly clattering onto the floor. Then nothing. What the hell was that noise?

Twitching. In her. What if he passed out? What if this was what Misato wouldn't tell her? He might be hurt. Was she going to let him get hurt again?

"SHINJI? Don't make me kick this door down! Are you okay?" She was shouting now.

Nothing seemed to answer. If Shinji was in there he was being very quiet.

"Shinji! You're scaring me…" she pleaded.

Nothing. Fear. Raw. Simple. Fear.

"I'm counting to three then I'm kicking the door down, for real! You hear that?"

This wasn't right. Even for Shinji.

"I'm serious, Shinji! Don't make me do it!"

Horrible, empty, nothing.

"One! Two! Three!"

Nothing still.

Asuka, now too frightened to stop, kicked the door once hard. It didn't really move. She roared at it and kicked the door several more times. It dented but held. She put all the power she could muster into one blow aimed at the handle. The tiny lock exploded and gave so that it swung violently inwards.

Nothing could prepare her for what she saw next. He lay crumpled besides the bathtub in a pool of his own blood. Red. Everywhere. All over him and soaking into most of his white shirt. It kept pouring out of his arms faster and faster. It would not slow down, would not stop.

And she screamed running to him. She screamed and screamed as she picked him up, cradling him against her—holding him in her arms and just praying that this boy hadn't left her for good already. Her screams turned into one long stretched out wail as the tears rushed, useless. Sobbing, still holding him, face pressed into that beautiful soft brown hair. Just like she'd always dreamed they'd be one day. Only completely and horribly wrong. A dream turned nightmare.

Misato appeared in the doorway seconds later, and before she could finish asking just "what the hell" Asuka was screaming about her jaw dropped open and she froze. Then yelling into her wrist. Asuka couldn't hear it. All she could pay attention to was the face of this boy in her arms, his eyes closed as her tears spattered across his soft, slackening cheeks. The facial expression of someone dead or dying written all over his delicate features.

Section Two thugs came charging into the bathroom from out of nowhere or so it seemed. They wasted no time, instantly grabbing the boy out of her arms and, she cried out, weakly reaching for him even as they carried him out of the bathroom and then out of the apartment entirely.

Misato embraced her, stopping her as she tried to follow him out. She ignored the blood all over her charge's shirt and arms, pressing the girl against her, cupping her head on her shoulder. Asuka could just barely see them through the open doorway putting him onto some sort of stretcher. Misato pressed her face into that red hair and wept softly, squeezing Asuka even tighter. She could hear a helicopter somewhere. Then Shinji was lifting up and out of the open-air courtyard. Gone.

What had one of the thugs said when they took him from her? Something about his heart being stopped.

_Dead. Clinically dead._

Asuka cried harder now, a first since her childhood. Shinji was really gone this time, maybe gone for good now. She had thought he was a cold, little doll who didn't care about her anymore. But she had been wrong, totally wrong. Maybe he had even cared about her enough to take his own life. And maybe, she wondered, maybe she had destroyed him for it.

"My fault," she kept moaning into Misato's shoulder over and over again. The tears refused to stop as the two clutched each other, desperately. The noise of the helicopter was gone.

_Fin Two_

A/N:

Yeah that's an M-rating right there. Don't hate me too much for the ending. There's still one more part left. The lyrics from the beginning are from the song "Sober" by Tool. I personally found myself preferring to listen to "The Outsider" by A Perfect Circle while writing this though. Ironic I know. Final chap after chapter seven of Secrecy is out.

Love to my reviewers. Don't give up on them just yet!


	3. Alterations Atonements

**Neon Genesis Evangelion**

**Behind Closed Doors**

_"The me that you know / he had some second thoughts, _

_He's covered with scabs / he is broken and sore _

_The me that you know / he doesn't come around much _

_That part of me / isn't here anymore" _

Three – Alterations/Atonements 

"The hell do you mean 'some stress?' This kid was having an intense mental breakdown."

Ritsuko took a slurp of cold coffee and briefly considered smashing the mug on the far wall. Briefly.

"Well it's a little hard to keep the language clean when you're pumping blood into him just to start his heart beating again in the chopper over."

She sighed.

"Yes. No. It's not that. No, no, I understand. She's taking it pretty hard then? Yeah, I'd say we all are too. For an anti-socialite he's got quite a grip on our heart-strings."

Weak laughter from the receiver.

"Okay? Well, no, he's not okay yet. I wouldn't go that far. But is he going to live? Once his vitals stabilize, yes, I would think so. Twelve hours, maybe six, depends on what cocktail the ER pumped into him on arrival."

Ritsuko gnawed on her pen, staring into the screen before her.

"And you just remember to thank me some time for suggesting that emergency chopper on the roof and the security detachment next door. Yeah. I know. Yeah, I'd say a 'life-saver' would be a pretty appropriate term at the moment."

She fumbled with something on her clipboard, scanning the read-outs over again just to make sure she wasn't missing something.

"Well, I'm not going to sugar-coat anything for you—this was a life and death situation, Misato. Physical damage is at a minimum. There's definitely going to be some scarring, nothing too unbearable but they weren't small wounds by any means. Truthfully, I think what you've really got to worry about is what's happening mentally. You and I both know Shinji's been through a lot."

Ritsuko lifted a half-done cigarette from the ash-tray and took a drag. She let the smoke spill out into the dimly lit lab as she exhaled. Misato spoke through all of it.

"I know. I know that. I'm just saying there's a whole lot of, well, baggage to account for. I mean, could this be a relapse from his piloting days? Obviously the date could be a significant factor also, one-year-anniversary and all. I'm not even sure what we are supposed to make of the blue pattern flicker and the amnesia you reported but let's handle the obvious for starters."

Puff, puff. More chatter from the receiver.

"Shit, Misato, I understand that. And I'm not claiming to be a psychologist, M.D. or not. All I'm trying to point out is that there is more at stake here than just what's happened in the last twenty-four hours and, until we can get a shrink in there when he's conscious, we can't be definitive about anything."

She paused over one particular part of the read-out, a quizzical expression forming on her brow. She adjusted her glasses slightly.

"No, I agree. This is not very typical of Shinji. And I think you're right. A cry for help would usually be more common in these cases and, with his personality in mind, certainly the more obvious choice. To go from relatively normal to suicidal so quickly, it doesn't really seem, psychologically at least, very, uhh, well progressive, I guess is what I'm trying to say."

Underlining another mystery with her pen.

"To be honest, I have no idea. It could be very good for his recovery or it could have no effect at all. If you want, I can transfer you to the psych on call who's going to be looking him over; Nakamura or something—she seemed very nice and competent to me."

Another sip of coffee.

"Fine, fine. I won't. Besides, you're probably a better judge of these things than me. I mean, you've been living with them all this time now. What do you think?"

After another hard look she put the clipboard down again and rubbed her head, feeling the onset of another stress-related migraine. Either that or caffeine-deprivation. She really was becoming a coffee-holic.

"For her? Well yeah, it probably would do some good. He's asleep but... sure, I'll have someone escort you to his room. Five minutes? Yeah, no problem."

Click. She set the phone down on its base. She looked back at the problem on her clipboard. It didn't seem to be going anywhere.

* * *

Asuka clung to Misato's shifting arm the entire ride to the hospital. Her crying had turned quiet with sniffles, though her eyes held red-rimmed and gleaming with more tears to be spent. Some part of the hitching sobs Misato had never seen before had slunk away once she'd told her charge that Shinji was in fact alive and breathing again. 

A part of her felt guiltily pleased that the girl really did care about him; another part told her she should be worried about the both of them, and certainly not happy. At least, Misato reasoned, she'd finally stopped wailing that all this was her fault somehow after several careful reassurances that it was "no such thing."

They glided into the parking space at the hospital but as Misato turned to get out of the car and help Asuka to stand, the girl's hand landed on her sleeve and stopped her in the silence of the Renault's purring engine.

"Misato..." Asuka looked down into the seat. Disturbed, Misato resumed sitting and leaned over to speak to the whispering girl.

"What is it, honey?"

Asuka inhaled, still looking down. _I better make sure she gets this off her chest before she sees him so we don't create any more of a scene. _

"It's okay, Asuka. Whatever you need to say, you can tell me. Whatever you're feeling, it's okay to feel that way."

The redhead cleared her throat.

"You know before when I was saying it was my fault, and... all that stuff," she began.

Misato nodded at her, putting a reassuring hand on the girl's shoulder.

"Well, I wasn't being hysterical or anything," she sighed, face shifting between disappointed and pained. Her pretty, foreign features looked bafflingly elegant, even in such a frown.

"You see, the truth is today. Well, today I did something really bad. Something really mean to try and hurt Shinji's feelings. And I..."

Misato nodded, urging her to continue.

"I think I made him... do _that..._" She cringed, eyes squinting shut. "To himself. You know? Because of what I did," she finished, her voice almost completely gone, buried underneath an ugly quiet that didn't befit her. Those blue eyes had never looked so full of despair that Misato could recall, except perhaps when his life had been in question. Asuka, she had noticed, could be frighteningly expressive when she let herself go for a moment.

She leaned over without a word and hugged the girl, just holding her there for a moment and trying to figure out what she was supposed to say to the confession.

"That's not true," she whispered into Asuka's ear. "That's not true at all. Now you just tell me what it is you think you did so you can stop feeling guilty because this is _not_ your fault, okay?"

"Well. Okay."

Asuka sighed, returning Misato's embrace, their heads side by side on one another's shoulder.

"At school. There was this guy. Takeshi Fukai. And you see. I wanted—I wanted Shinji to notice me, see. Because, well, I know he likes me. Or. I think he does. Or might. And so I kissed this other guy today, right when Shinji was walking by. You know? Just to—I don't know—just to get his attention I guess. Because I sort of like Shinji too, I guess."

She could not see the woman's shocked face and it was with good cause Misato looked as such. Asuka had never even admitted her feelings for her roommate before. Perhaps if Shinji hadn't cut himself so badly tonight she probably never would have swallowed her pride enough to do so. The girl continued on, oblivious.

"I don't know. I didn't really know how to tell him how I feel. So I figured if I kissed this other boy and he got jealous, then I would know if he liked me or not right? Because... well, there was a time, back when it was really just me and him. Back when everyone else was still somewhere in that lake. And we talked a lot, you know? Talked about everything we had done together. All that stuff. And I think we were close for a while. But that whole time we were alone together he never told me how he felt about me. I guess I never told him either. Once people started showing up, that sort of... disappeared. He. He changed."

Misato nodded to herself. Shinji had been wallowing in something nasty for some time. She'd seen it in him when they'd first moved in together and she'd watched it only get worse. Somehow Asuka, in true justice to her vanity, had gotten the idea that Shinji had tried taking his life over this incident in school. Whatever the real reason, it was probably best to let her finish so she could let this go.

"So anyways, today I figured he would notice if I did this and he would get jealous. And if he did then I would at least know he cared about me and maybe. I don't know. Maybe I could find a way to tell him how I feel."

A sigh.

"But at the time he didn't do anything, you know? He just—acted as if it hadn't happen. So then I thought maybe he really didn't care about me at all. But when he left school—I knew, I just knew I'd upset him. And then when I got home he wouldn't even look at me. So I was really worried about him. I stayed up to apologize to him but then he went to the bathroom. I thought he was trying to hide from me. So I knocked on the door and..."

The rest of it came out as mumbles and tumbling sobs into Misato's jacket. She tried hold the confused girl tightly as she could while the teenager cried helplessly for Shinji, sometimes in rage. "How could you do this?" Sometimes begging. "I just want to be close to you again."

Misato did her best to comfort, starkly aware that'd she'd never felt more close to the person in her arms.

"Shh, shh. You don't have to tell me anything else. I understand, Asuka. It's okay. But I want you to remember something. Something very, very important."

Her crying slowed a little. Misato pulled away and took the gentle curving face in her hands, lifting Asuka's gaze so that they were eye to eye. The tears kept coming, though the blues twinkled back at her softly, intent and listening.

"And this is very important, okay? Pay close attention."

Asuka nodded, choking away another sob.

"Asuka, who was the one to check on Shinji to make sure he was okay tonight? You did. And who kicked in the locked door when he wouldn't open it? You did. Who got my attention? You did. Who _saved_ Shinji today? You did. You understand that? You _saved_ him and I don't care what happened in school, none of this is your fault. You saved his life today."

"But—"

She was shaking her head, red pigtails flying. Misato caught her firmly, interrupting.

"No 'but's! You saved him! You know you did. Now say it back to me. Say: 'I saved Shinji's life today.'"

She nodded weakly, brushing away the hot tears with her forearm with a grunt.

"I... I saved Shinji's life today." Something like strength was returning to her expression.

"That's right. I'm sure he's dreaming of you right now," Misato continued, squeezing her.

"Yeah. Maybe," she replied, an odd, awkward smile flittering across her face like a rainbow after the storm.

"Now let's go see him, shall we?"

"Yeah."

"And you save those tears for when he wakes up, okay?"

Asuka really smiled then, for the first time that night since coming home. It was strained but, it was genuine too.

"Yeah, I guess that would be... nice."

_If she stays like this, it really may be the best thing for Shinji to wake up to. I hope she does. For the both of them. _

* * *

_Ikariiiiiiiiii_

There had been a time once, when he had sunken into a darkness so deep and so profoundly empty that the only thing left in all of it was himself. In the belly of an Angel from an era so far gone to him now that even the memories seemed to be nothing more than an odd dream. It was as he sat and waited in the cold oblivion of the Entry Plug and the hours of his life support ticked away and stretched into infinities. Alone and trembling in that darkness Shinji began to confront the harsh realities of the hatred he bore for his father, things he had sealed away in his fragile self for so long.

The conflicting memories of his mother's disappearance. His subsequent abandonment. A train wreck of a childhood that spiraled out of control once Yui had left him. Her face, he had assumed forgotten, lay hidden with all these other awful things, like a glowing light in the midst of so much darkness. It all came crashing down on him in those hopeless moments as he waited for death to take him away. Confined. Alone. And embroiled in a battle essentially between himself and himself. A war he could not win.

_Ikariiiiiiiiii_

Now he was in this place again. Another unfamiliar ceiling in a life full of unfamiliar ceilings. Or was it that subway car? With this other self looking back at him. Whispering terrible things. Things he so desperately wished were not true.

"Shinji, everything that happened that day. I understand it wasn't you doing that. An autopilot, right? You don't have to feel bad or anything. You couldn't stop it from happening. I said it after the accident. And I'd say it again today, even if I was still disabled."

"I should have. Done something, though."

_"Friends" are the things you find easiest to hurt_

Those cold blue eyes see only hate.

_It's your atonement for what you did to her_

"Misato, I..."

"You don't have to say anything, Shinji. You did the right thing that day. You saved my life."

"I let you die too..."

_So selfish, so weak_

He kept the cross anyways. She wanted him to have it. She didn't say why. She just closed his hand around it and closed her arms around him.

_You never could do the right thing, could you_

"Shinji, Rei gave herself up for you. Not because she had to. Because she _wanted_ to. You're going to have to stop beating yourself up about it at some point."

"I know... I just—can't!"

_What a waste_

The hand brushed over his cheek and the trance was over. Images of Unit 03's neck snapped in his hands came floating back over the haze. Only he was doing it now, not Unit 01. He was doing it to her.

_Killlllllllllllllllllllllll herrrrrr_

"We know how hard it was, Shinji. You should be proud. You gave us all—here at NERV and everywhere else in the world—you gave us all another chance. Thanks to you."

"I still feel bad. For all the people who won't take that chance."

"That's because you're a good soul."

_Can't you do anything right_

"You left me to die... While they ate me. _Ate_ Me! How could you do that to me, Shinji? How could you just sit there and... let me die?"

"Oh God, Asuka. I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. Please just. Forgive. Me."

_How could you, how could you, how could you, how could you_

_let me die die die die die die die die die_

"That's not true! I didn't let you die! I loved you!"

_Who are you talking to, Ikariiiii_

"Asuka. Me. You. Whoever this is. I'm sick of you."

_Why did you do those things_

"You don't exist! You do _not_ exist!"

_I don't?_

"—exist!"

_Then neither do you_

"That's not true."

_What's the point, this is inseparable from you_

"Stop! Why can't you just stop?"

_Guilt, Shinji, never ends_

"Please..."

_This is yours_

"No, I can't. I can't live like this. Anymore. I won't."

-Then stop.-

_What_

"Ayanami?"

-This isn't necessary, Shinji.-

_He cannot escape it_

-Yes you can. It's just a trick.-

"Ayanami? Is that you?"

_No, don't listen to her_

"It is you! Rei..."

-Are you ready to let go?-

_It's a trick, don't listen to her_

"Is it scary?"

-Yes. But it is better... than this.-

_No, you don't want to leave this_

"What is this?"

-This is you. This is you running away from pain.-

_This is easier_

"If I stop it, will it be hard?"

-Yes. But this will end as well. You want that, correct?-

_You can't do it_

"I just. Don't want to be alone."

-You don't have to be.-

_Liar! She's lying_

"How?"

-Just change your mind.-

"Okay."

_You cannooooo _

"—I don't want... to be alone, anymore."

"Shinji?"

"That's not Ayanami. Misato? No. Asuka?"

* * *

"You can call me Nakamura, commander," the young woman introduced herself to her superior and the disheveled looking girl clasped safely under the woman's arm. 

She'd never met either the commander or any of the pilots for that matter, having transferred into NERV post-impact. Her first impressions were not entirely what she had expected either. The commander hardly looked any older than herself, which was saying quite a bit given that she'd just turned twenty-six last month.

The lavender hair was thrown over her black leather jacket in a manner that made her appearance look all the more "fresh out of college." She was a beautiful woman, just as she had heard from many of her co-workers, tall and well-proportioned. Perhaps if Nakamura hadn't respected this woman so much, if they had been in different circumstance—passing each other on the street—she might have been envious of the full lips and large breasts that she seemed quite willing to show off given her outfit. But now they just made her all the more in awe of this incredible woman, Operations Director against the rise of the Angels. It was hard to believe a woman maybe no more than four years her senior had already accomplished so much.

The second child, on the other hand, looked like a shadow of the fiery, red-headed foreigner she'd heard stories about. Her posture was barely upright so that her glowing bangs concealed most of the detail of her face behind a swirl of silky red. While her body easily could have been that of a ballerina's, her slender legs slunk so that she drooped like a waning candle by the commander's side. Her arms hung limp by her sides, while she kept her gaze aimed firmly at the floor and stood beside (or under) the imposing commander.

"Ritsuko informed me you will be taking us to Shinji's room, Dr. Nakamura. She spoke very highly of you," Katsuragi responded.

The younger woman blushed furiously underneath brunette bangs, aiming her gaze squarely at Misato's feet and the linoleum of the NERV hospital main entrance.

"Oh, um, well that was very kind of her. I hope my abilities will live up to expectations," she said, feeling her face flush even deeper.

She caught Misato's soft features watching her with mild satisfaction from the corner of her eye as she returned upright from another customary bow.

"I'm sure they will."

Nakamura stared at them, deer in the headlights.

"Oh dear, here I am congratulating myself instead of taking you to see him. Please excuse my rudeness," she said, turning. "This way, please."

She led them to the elevators. When they began to descend the slumping pilot finally released the unbreakable silence she'd kept. Her voice was resilient yet remarkably thin and tired sounding.

"Is he okay?" she blurted out. Asuka would not look up nor shift from her place by Misato's side.

"Physically speaking, he's very safe, Miss Souryu," Nakamura began, hesitant to use a first name. She bent over to catch a glimpse of the girl's face only to be startled as she suddenly looked up at her, and thrust from underneath that red storm of hair leapt two bright blue-eyes that gleamed—gleamed with the sort of desperation she'd seen in mothers and fathers asking of their sick children.

It was an astonishingly intense face for a girl her age. What Ritsuko had said certainly seemed to ring true. The two had grown close in some ways from their time spent piloting together.

"I'm not a medical doctor, I have my PhD in psychology actually, but what the doctors have told me is that he should be back to normal health in a little under twenty-four hours."

"Really?" the girl responded, relief flooding into the shocking eyes as a deep sigh escaping her parched, cracked lips and she looked away; Misato squeezed her a little tighter beside her.

"Other than a scar or two, yes, really."

The elevator dinged pleasantly as they reached his floor. The three of them stepped out together into to the utterly empty floor, reserved on short notice for the former pilot. Asuka spoke again slowly as they started their march down the white-washed hallway. The fluorescent bulbs overhead highlighted more clearly tear-streaked cheeks and a pale complexion.

"What about him, personally I mean. If you're a psychologist, do you think he'll be... the same?"

Nakamura concealed a tiny frown behind a small nodding of her head, quickly glancing at the clip board of notes she'd had firmly pressed against her chest until now. It was a summarization of his personal file from NERV compiled by Dr. Akagi. And it was two pages full of more trauma than she'd seen in most of her career.

"Well, if you mean psychologically..." Asuka nodded emphatically. "Psychologically speaking, unfortunately we have no way of knowing until he wakes up and speaks to me at least a little bit. What I can tell you is that, from what I understand, this behavior seems atypical of Shinji. While he was quite possibly depressed, one doesn't just decide to take their life one day without some serious circumstance or change in the person beforehand."

Asuka nodded again, darkening and disappearing back into the red haze of her bangs; Nakamura watched as Misato rubbed the girl's shoulder in an almost motherly fashion, the woman's dark eyes focused forwards and grim features marring her attractive face. Realizing that now was not the time to be in any way negative, Nakamura continued and tread as lightly as she could.

"That said, suicide is a particularly unique syndrome, even amongst those who are depressed. It is often a response to a chemical imbalance in the brain rather than the result of a single event or problem. Neither you nor Misato should hold yourselves accountable for his actions in any way."

Misato sighed ever so slightly, and Nakamura cringed. She was being too technical. This was going terribly awry. At this rate, she'd be looking for jobs again by tomorrow.

"Can you. Make him better?" Asuka asked, soft but vivid pain entering the muted tones of her voice.

Nakamura almost gulped at the question. She was really in trouble now if she couldn't say something good here. Misato watched Nakamura from the corner of her stern gaze aimed down the hall.

"Asuka, I won't lie to you. Shinji may be a different person when he wakes up. Nothing I or any of the doctors can do now will change that."

Tears filled the edges of those striking blue eyes, and Nakamura found herself almost succumbing to the pain she knew the words meant for that girl as she spoke them. She forced herself to be honest.

"But what we do have, Asuka—what we do have is the chance to help him get better. I have that chance thanks to the doctors and paramedics. And, according to them, he has that chance thanks to you."

"I... Thank you..." Asuka said, in what sounded like her real voice for the first time since she'd arrived. She leaned her head against Misato's side and the woman responded by clutching the girl even tighter.

Misato nodded to Nakamura slightly after this exchange, a tiny light of relief filling her troubled features as if someone was letting the air out of a tire that had been too full for too long. No doubt the night was taking its toll on the commander too; she was his legal guardian after all. And judging by the file, perhaps much more than that.

"Here we are," the shrink stated, stopping in front of the door.

Asuka bolted from Misato's grip, nearly plowing into the nurse inside before leaping onto the bed and wrapping herself around Shinji in one fluid motion. The door had not even swung back shut before she began whispering into the sleeping boy's ear, clutching him tightly from beneath the sheets. The bewildered nurse seemed on the verge of a reprimand but left quietly with a nod from Misato. She smiled, or did her best despite the circumstance, watching the door close again from besides Nakamura.

"Perhaps the only good thing to come of this," the commander began. "Is that it's finally let Asuka come to terms with her feelings for him." She sighed in a way that sounded satisfied rather than tired.

"Ritsuko had indicated some sort of possible relationship between them—"

"Oh they've been after each other since the first day they met, they just didn't really ever know it," Misato interrupted, making the same awkward smile at the doctor. "By the way, I really appreciate what you said to Asuka. I think she needed to hear it from someone other than me. She's had this big guilt complex about all of this just because she kissed this other boy today to try and make Shinji jealous or something like that. I think she was under the impression this was all because of her."

Nakamura's brow rose fractionally.

"Ah, I see. Thank you, commander. But everything I said to Asuka was in earnest. She really did save his life today."

"I know it was. That's what I appreciate about you good shrinks. You don't bullshit anyone after hearing other people's bullshit for so long," she replied, nudging the doctor good-naturedly with her elbow.

"Oh, uh, I guess I'll take that as a compliment," Nakamura said after a moment, smiling at the other woman.

"Damn right you will, seeing as I'm your commander," Misato cautioned.

Nakamura turned pallid in an instant.

"Just kidding!" Misato exclaimed, winking at the other woman.

Nakamura did her best to laugh along, somewhat uneasily.

"Oh my, Ritsuko must have been telling you some awfully scary things about me, I suppose," Misato pondered, placing her finger upon her chin as she gazed thoughtfully into one of the fluorescent bulbs.

"Eh, er, oh... oh dear," was all she could manage, her face returning to a fraction of its paleness from before. Dr. Akagi and Commander Katsuragi were both technically her boss, and she knew she would offend either one of them with any sort of answer to that statement.

Misato chuckled again, stretching her arms out above her head in the air.

"I like you. Let's get a drink together, I could really use to be a little less sober at the moment," she said suddenly.

"Well..." Nakamura contemplated the dangers of getting trashed with the most powerful woman in Japan.

"Come onnn, I need this!" she said, grabbing the doctor by the wrist.

"Well she did mention this about you," Nakamura said uneasily, as Misato lead her by the hand back down the hall, laughing at the remark.

Misato grinned as they strode towards the tiny lounge of the floor, suddenly so much brighter than she'd been before.

"Ritsu knew me in my college years so she's probably seen the worst of me. I was a real hellion back then," she said, momentarily lost in her revelry. "How about yourself? I bet you drove the boys wild, eh?"

Nakamura found herself blushing for the second time in front of her commander.

"Eh, no, not really... I think I scared them all away."

"Why's that?" Misato prodded, still in high spirits.

"I understood them too well. The ones who just wanted my body. Well they didn't stand a chance obviously. And the one's that wanted a real relationship were always freaked out by how I could tell when they were lying to me."

"Man I wish I'd had you around when I was in college," Misato continued, almost sounding serious.

Nakamura laughed at this comment somewhat genuinely.

"I take it you had lots of suitors in your college years?" she asked her superior tentatively.

"Eh... no, not really, just one particularly troublesome one," the commander replied, an air of something wistful sneaking its way into her tone. She smiled to herself at some memory coming back into focus at the moment.

"What happened?" Nakamura continued, suddenly intrigued by this new side of the woman she did not seem to know at all.

"He... disappeared," she said and the smile faded in the instant, drawing on some darker place.

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. Oh gosh, here I am, turning my boss into another one of my patients! Sorry, I ask a lot of questions. Sort of a habit of my profession I suppose."

"Not at all," Misato waved her away as they entered the white (as if it would be any other color) upholstery of the hospital lounge.

But NERV hospital, even if it was just a hospital, could be classy when it wanted to, maybe even luxurious. For all of the money spent of the state of the art equipment of the facility, since it was housed underneath the city, there was also an effort to give the place a "comfy feel." This particular spot, for instance, had the name of "The Pearl" as if to imply its white décor was some choice of the designer—perhaps it even was, though it bore and odd resemblance to the shade of the hallway and just about everything else in the place.

A few couples and off-work colleagues conversed in hushed tones to one another at various spots in the place over the cool rhythms and melodies of some modern jazz ensemble. The laidback atmosphere almost evaporated as the staffers' eyes bulged when they caught site of Misato and her sitting down together; their supreme commander was sitting down, a few seats away from them, at the place they supposed to be were relaxing in. Even a few of the patients seemed to recognize her, excited grins sneaking into their expressions. The waiter was practically beside himself as he approached the table.

"Mi—Mi—Miss, I mean, uh, Co—Commander Katsuragi, uh, oh, what a pleasant surprise for you to, ah, stop by," he stuttered, practically sloshing their glasses of water over the two of them as he set them down at the table.

"At ease solider," Misato said, making a mock-salute and wink. Her face turned deadly serious then. "Two Gin and Tonics. On the rocks. No straw for me. And don't give us any of that shit Gin. Something nice. Something imported. Oh, and a round for everyone else of whatever they want." The heightened whispers and tense air dissipated in a snap, like the whole room had taken a collective sigh. This wasn't a surprise inspection or worse, she was, for the time being, just looking to get smashed like they were.

"Is it like this everywhere you go?" Nakamura asked quietly, sipping at her water as the anxious stares dissipated.

"Eh, more or less yeah. I tend to blend away more in the city, but any NERV facility is like... well, I'd be less obvious in my unmentionables," she replied.

Nakamura smiled at the joke, briefly considering her commander's breast size. The thought made her both uneasy and at the same time happy that Misato was, more or less, practically still a college grad like herself.

"Is it hard? Being so... idolized by everyone?"

"Not really now-a-days. I'm sure Gendou had it a lot worse than I ever did. But then he probably got off on that kind of thing..." Misato trailed off, impatiently looking around for their cocktails.

"Commander Ikari. Shinji's father, yes?"

Misato nodded.

"The one and only I'm afraid."

Nakamura found herself treading lightly again.

"The files I was given by Ritsu—I mean, Dr. Akagi, said they had a rather... tense relationship," Nakamura spoke, catching herself from almost informally referring to her boss.

"More like dysfunctional," Misato sighed.

"That is a word we use very carefully in my profession. What do you mean, dysfunctional, commander?" Nakamura asked.

"Well I'm sure your report has the cut and dry on him, but if you're going to be evaluating him you might as well get the full story. I met Shinji, for the first time really, when the third Angel came stomping out of the Pacific..."

* * *

She could not stop whispering to him. She had to confess it all. All of the feelings. All of the things she had found herself wanting to say over the course of this year. Maybe since even before then. All of it came out like a sinner's whisper to a priest, complete with the complimentary guilt. She apologized for the mean things she'd said. All the times she'd teased him. All of the times she had hurt him physically or otherwise. And a whole host of them about Fukai. 

And in between the "sorry"s there were the "I like you"s, the "I care about you"s, and even an "I love you" somewhere in there. She told him her true intentions that day. She explained why she had tried to hurt his feelings so many times, why she had done and said all the nasty things she did. And most of all, why he had to live. To give her a second chance.

All of these things she whispered into the early morning hours in the as she lay under the sheets with him, more intimate than she could ever remember being. And when she had run out of things to say she simply held him, and felt his chest push against her arm with every breath, cherishing the sensation.

As the warmth of their bodies pressed together connected them and the minutes passed she found herself drifting away into sleep along side him. That's when the murmurs started. Soft, unintelligible at first. Then painful. Desperate.

"It's okay," she cooed to him. "It's just a nightmare."

But he wouldn't stop.

They kept coming, every minute or so. Another mumbled something. Sometimes fear. Mostly sad. And then.

"Oh God, Asuka."

She sat up at the name, eyes wide. She stared at him now. Had he heard her sweet nothings? Had he really been awake this whole time? Tricking her?

"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry."

No. He twitched under her, still asleep. And tears spilled out of his closed, oblivious eyes onto the pillow.

"Please just. Forgive. Me."

She found herself almost crying with him.

"No," she whispered. "It's not your fault. Whatever it is. I forgive you."

She clutched him tighter now, careful not to disturb him, yet firm in her affection. She wanted him to know. She had to make him know. When he woke up, she wanted to be so close that no matter how her head might try and stop her—no matter how embarrassed—she'd be right there with him. Unavoidably. Holding him. Waiting for him.

But before she could even lay back down, she watched as his eyes fluttered. Opening. Awake.

"Shinji..."

"I—Asuka?"

"Shinji." She had told herself over and over again that she wouldn't cry. She had promised herself. But. "I'm sorry. Please, don't... don't ever leave me again. Not like this. Just not like this..."

"Asuka..."

He returned the weeping girl's embrace semi-numbly, almost unwilling to believe he had woken up. He had to be dreaming again, he reasoned. Only the Asuka in his dreams would hold him like this. Only she would say those things. Only she would dare cry in front of him or actually apologize for anything. It couldn't be real. But he let it continue on, content—it was the happiest dream he'd ever had.

He found himself in disbelief as the seconds became minutes. Total disbelief as they drifted off to sleep, together, finally together after so long. The worst/greatest day of his life.

_Fin _

* * *

A/N: There it is. I think I left enough clues and enough mysteries to resolve well. Hopefully most of the angst seemed at least a little justitified/natural. The opening lyrics are from "The Beginning" by Nine Inch Nails which totally fit when taken out of context and which completely don't work when taken with the rest of the song. I was mostly listening to Radiohead when I edited this and Tool/NIN when I wrote it. 

I'm really sorry for the delay. I could have had this out last week but I've been working my ass off for school recently. With my dad coming to visit me in Tokyo, the school year finishing up, and summer plans to be made I'm more busy than I expected.

I hope you guys liked this story. I originally started it as the beginning of something much, much bigger. I'm not sure if I plan on adding to it any further and I've got another love right now called "A Thousand Years of Secrecy" that I simply cannot stop working on. Since I try and keep myself working on only one long piece at a time this is done for now, but who knows, we may see some more chapters out of this as yet. For now I'm not going to mark it complete just in case but I think you will agree that this is a nice place to end.

Much love to all of the incredible reviews and criticisms. Look out for more short stuff when I have the ideas/time/motivation.

Thanks for reading.


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